Is there a connection between what we think and what we experience or have in our lives?  Yes, thanks to the amazing power of the mind, “You are what you think.”

I first learned this concept from the Bible many years ago. Proverbs 23:7 says,”As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

Brian Tracy, one of today’s top success and motivational speakers, said:

“You become what you think about, most of the time.  Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.”

The point is this: our thoughts impact our actions, whether we realize it or not.  Sadly, we don’t often think about that (pun intended!).  So when we want to make change in our lives, we try to change our actions without changing the thoughts that cause the actions.  Talk about an exercise in futility!

The good news is that we can program our minds for success. Here are a couple of articles I wrote on this topic:

• How a change in your beliefs will change your life
• How to harness the power of the mind to get results

After 18 years of marriage, I have a new wife.  Gratefully, this one’s much better than the old one.  Let me explain.  Before she slaps me.

Last week, my wife and I enjoyed a dinner out to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary.  During the course of our conversation, she made an interesting observation about our lives:

Nearly everything about us has changed.

And boy, was she right.  I am not the man she married.  And she is not the woman I married.  In fact, here are just a few of the changes that have happened throughout our marriage so far (most have changed more than once):

• Weight
• Body shapes
• Hair
• Interests
• Hobbies
• Jobs
• Children
• Homes
• Dreams
• Habits
• Goals & priorities
• Finances
• Beliefs about money
• Philosophy of educating our children

Dealing with Changing Expectations in Marriage

As we reminisced, we realized that we came into marriage with one set of expectations and beliefs about how things were going to be, but things have certainly changed over time.

My wife was going to be a career business woman.  But after our first child was born, she was destined to be a stay-at-home mom.  We were just going to have 2.1 kids, but now have 5.  We bought a quaint “starter” home…and have stayed there 15 years so far. I was going into politics, but sensed a call to ministry (which worked out OK because there’s a lot of politics in the church).

Some changes, like the ones I just described, are fairly serendipitous – they just happen and everyone takes them as they come.  Some are caused by external forces beyond our control – like when our oldest son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Others were desired by both of us mutually. And some things were wanted by one of us, and ignored or maybe even resisted, by the other – like when one of us was passionate about healthy eating and living while the other wasn’t so much.

Over the years, we’ve noticed that some individuals and couples have an easier time handling unexpected change than others.  Some can make adjustments and go with the flow.

Others can’t handle it when things change, when their expectations aren’t met, or when things happen that they “didn’t sign up for.” They feel hurt, angry, and frustrated.  Thoughts of divorce might even enter their mind.  Maybe it’s because their spouse isn’t on the same page with them as they move through the situation.  Or, maybe it’s because their spouse caused the situation.

Yes, there may be times when you’re justified for having these kinds of thoughts or feelings.  And a few situations may be legitimate grounds for divorce.  But they are also grounds for give and take, a sense of adventure and humor, and even forgiveness and grace.  They are times to move closer together, not pull further apart.

Tips for managing unanticipated changes in your marriage

So, how can we survive and thrive through the unanticipated changes that come our way in marriage?

1.  Realize that change is to be expected. You talked about it on your wedding day, remember?   When you promised to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer!

2.  Don’t think the grass is greener on the other side. If seems greener to you right now, you can be sure that the water bill is higher and the cost to achieve and maintain it is greater.

3.  Keep it simple. Those who are debt-free and have a modest lifestyle can weather most any storm better than those who have the stress of debt and stuff hanging over them too.

4.  Decide that you’re in this together. Tough situations can make or break a couple.  Choose to let it make you stronger and better, together.

5.  Good communication is key. Don’t shut down or keep your thoughts and fears to yourself. But don’t make a scene, start an argument, or pass blame either.  Find a time, and a way, for both of you to share your thoughts and feelings in a positive way.

6.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your minister, a counselor, support group, or a trusted friend can be invaluable in helping you deal with the situation.

How have you handled change and changing expectations in your marriage?  Is there anything else you’d add to my list?

Recommended Resource:

• Marriage Rescue Audio Series

You might also like:

• What keeps your love strong in tough times?
• The three big questions for a frantic family
• Acres of Diamonds

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a big fan of the late Jim Rohn. He was a world-renown author and speaker who inspired millions with his personal rags-to-riches story and down-to-earth business philosophy.

You can read my tribute to Jim Rohn if you’d like.

One quote of his, in particular, has stuck with me for years, and has motivated me to live my life with greater focus and purpose:

I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives.  Perhaps that is because escape is easier than change. — Jim Rohn

I’m intrigued and challenged by what he said.  Do you think he’s right – that it’s easier to plan your vacation than it is to plan your life?

If so, how have you seen this played out in your life, or the lives of others?  And why is escape easier than change? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

You might also like:

• How a change in your beliefs will change your life
• The Other 8 Hours:  How a little change in your habits will make a big difference
• How to reach your full potential
  

In my last post, How a change in your beliefs will change your life, we talked about how our thoughts and beliefs shape the person we are, and how the results we experience in the different areas of our lives (whether good, bad or indifferent) are ultimately determined by what we believe to be true about those life areas.

I explained that if you’re not happy with the results in a certain area of your life, you need to change what you really believe about that life area. Today I want to share some ways we can do that.

1.  We need to realize that our beliefs have been programmed in us over time through our life experience to this point. Sources include parents, siblings, peers, friends, etc. Many exist by default rather than by intent or design. That is why I said, last time, that we believe certain things to be true, whether they are true or not. I think it is sometimes helpful (though perhaps painful) to identify the source of the belief we want to change.

Let’s use an example of a woman named Jenny, who decides that she’s tired of living in a relationships roller coaster that has taken her from relationship to relationship over the years with men who can never really commit to her or truly love her.  Using The Belief Matrix that I explained in the last post, she discovers that the actions and attitudes that have brought her to this situation are due to a belief she’s had since childhood that no one will ever really love her for who she is.

2.  In order to change a belief, we need to re-write a new and better one. To do that, we need to know what the truth is, and what we want to be true in our lives, based on the results, actions and attitudes we want.

Jenny can re-write her bad belief based on the truth (for me, taken from Scripture) that God created her, loves her, and has a purpose for her life. Now, if she doesn’t personally believe that, she can re-write a belief that she want to be true…maybe something like: “I love others for who they are, and I am loved by others for who I am.”

3.  Once we re-write a belief, we need to find ways to reinforce it so it becomes true in our lives and impacts our attitudes, actions and results. Three techniques have helped me do that:

• Affirmations – An affirmation is a declaration that something is true. I like to write an affirmation based on my new belief and recite it several times each day.  Using the example of Jenny, her affirmation could simply be: “I love others for who they are, and I am loved by others for who I am.” My experience has been that over time, as I repeat affirmations each day throughout the day, I come to “own” the affirmation. It is the law of exposure – we are influenced by what we think about, and our thoughts shape who we are as a person. Somehow, through the amazing power of the mind, these affirmations help recreate our beliefs in no time, and help us to stay motivated to make the change we want to make in our lives. Orison Swett Marden said, “He can who thinks he can, and he can’t who thinks he can’t.”
• Visualization - To visualize something is to see it in vivid detail in your mind’s eye.  Visualization is really the first step toward actualization – making something come true. You might have heard these statements before, which illustrate the point:  “What you see is what you get,” and “Seeing is believing.”  Athletes have harnessed the power of visualization for years – of rehearsing their moves or plays perfectly in their head long before they step on the field or court.  In our example, Jenny would rehearse in her mind the new way she wants to respond to relational situations.
• Virtualization – To virtualize something is to act like your new belief is true, even if it isn’t yet. The phrase “Fake it till you make it” comes to mind. In Jenny’s situation, she may decide she needs to change how she carries herself around men, some of the people she hangs out with, and the places she goes.  These are just some examples.  But the goal here is to re-orient your life toward the new beliefs, attitudes, and actions you need to employ in order to get the results you want.

All of this is a testimony to the amazing power and potential of the mind to shape our lives.  We are what we think. How has this played out in your life?  And what has been your experience in harnessing the power of the mind to get the results you want in your life?

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I just started reading Zero to Zillionaire: 8 Foolproof Steps to Financial Peace of Mind by Chellie Campbell. The first step, or strategy, she lays out in the book is: “Change Your Mindset and Change Your Future.”

The point she makes is that the situation we find ourselves in today (whether good, bad or indifferent) in our finances, relationships, career, etc., is a direct result of our thinking.  And if we are not happy with our situation and want to make change in certain areas of our lives, we need to change our thinking – our beliefs – in those areas.

One of my mentors explained it this way in a concept he called The Belief Matrix.

The Belief Matrix

He said that everyone has a certain set of beliefs (or mindset or worldview) that govern our attitudes, which then direct our actions, which produce certain results. These beliefs are things we know to be true, whether they are actually true or not.

For example, you might say that you believe physical health is important to you.  But, if you are overweight, don’t exercise, and aren’t motivated enough to schedule time to do it, then I guess you really don’t believe that physical health is important to you, do you?

Have you ever noticed that most people, when they’re not happy with results in their life or work, typically just focus on changing their actions? But what happens?  Often, the change doesn’t last, because they lose their motivation to make the change due to the old attitudes and beliefs that still govern their lives.

If you want to make lasting change in your life, don’t just change your actions, change your attitudes and beliefs too.

Simply work backwards through The Belief Matrix. Ask yourself:

1. What are the results that I want?
2. What actions do I need to take in order to produce the results I want?
3. What attitudes do I need to have that will direct the actions I want?
4. What beliefs do I need to believe in order to create the attitudes I want?

Belief Matrix Starting with Results

Your beliefs then, become your personal values, the things that are most important to you, in a given life area.  And they become the true source of motivation or lasting change.

So, once you’ve identified the beliefs you want, how do you stay focused on them, and not drift back into old beliefs which will inevitably lead you back to your old results? I’ll share my thoughts on how to harness the power of the mind to get results in my next post.

Is there an area of your life where you need to change your thinking in order to change your results?  Or, have you already experienced a change in your life due to a change in your thinking?  Please share your thoughts.

You might also like:

• Life’s greatest truth and hardest lesson:  Everything is a choice
• The Optimist Creed
• How to deal with regret about past lifestyle choices

By nature, I enjoy being spontaneous and would rather fly by the seat of my pants than sit down and make a plan for anything – be it a vacation, work project, or an important area of my life.

So when I finished writing the third in a series of posts on how to reach your full potential (Create Your Own Personal Development Plan), I realized that some people just hate the thought of sitting down and mapping out a strategy for their life.  They’d prefer to just let it happen spontaneously.

If that’s you, believe me, I’m with you. But over the years, I’ve discovered that a bit of planning can help me live a more spontaneous life. I know, it sounds paradoxical, but stay with me and I’ll explain.

Take the life area of finances as an example.  If I had my way, I’d just spend my money as I see fit, when I see fit.  I’d eat out for lunch every day and buy every deal that is so great I “can’t afford NOT to buy it”.  The problem, of course, is that I end up with more month left at the end of my money.

I’ve discovered (albeit slowly and sometimes painfully) that a little bit of planning (you might call it budgeting) can give me the freedom, within pre-determined boundaries, to be as spontaneous as I’d like to be. When I’ve budgeted or saved the money in advance, I can buy whatever I want within that limit and not feel guilty that I’ve gone overboard or have gotten into debt.

I think most of us can appreciate how planning is advantageous when it comes to finances, but what about in other life areas, like our careers?

What if you hate your job and would gladly do anything else?  Or, suppose a great opportunity comes your way?  Do you spontaneously go with your gut?  Here too I’ve found that planning helps.

Two years ago, I was faced with a career decision when an opportunity unexpectedly came my way.  I was very happy where I was, and could have easily said no thanks.  Or, I could have quickly said yes, just for the challenge of doing something new.  Either decision could have been fine but would have been made for the wrong reason…or should I say…for no reason, if I had no context within which to make the decision.

Gratefully, I had previously taken the time to clarify my life’s purpose and think through my values, dreams, and hopes for the future.  With a bit of thought, and some encouragement from mentors, I was able to see that the new opportunity would move me several steps closer to those dreams, and allow me to have a greater impact in a cause I believed in.  That bit of advance planning gave me the confidence and freedom to make a great decision fairly quickly.

What about the day-to-day decisions that come our way?  My experience has been that I can respond to most of them quicker and easier (and without the worry or fear of making the wrong choice) when I know who I am, what my purpose is, and what I’m called to do in order to live out that purpose.

Has anyone else experienced freedom and spontaneity that came as a result of planning ahead?  Or, if this concept is new to you, do you think it has any value for you?  Please share your thoughts in the comments.

You might also like:

• What I want from life
• Life change for the right reasons
• How to achieve your 2010 New Year’s Resolutions

Click here to buy The Rhythm of Life

I’m re-reading The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day with Passion and Purpose, by Matthew Kelly.

I first read this New York Times bestseller three years ago.  It’s a book I want to read at least once a year because its message really resonates with my desire to be the best version of myself that I can be.

The main gist:   In an age obsessed with noise, speed, and perpetual activity, “who you become is infinitely more important than what you do, or what you have.”

From the book’s cover liner:

Once every twenty-five years or so, a book comes along that perfectly identifies our common search and struggle for happiness, and teaches us how to find lasting fulfillment in a changing world.  This is that book.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing insights from the book here at Life Compass Blog.  Here’s the first one:

Everything is a choice.

This is life’s greatest truth and hardest lesson.  It is a great truth because it reminds us of our power.  Not power over others, but the often untapped power to be ourselves and to live the life we have imagined.

It is a hard lesson, because it causes us to realize that we have chosen the life we are living right now.  It is perhaps frightening for us to think that we have chosen to live our life exactly as it is today.  Frightening because we may not like what we find when we look at our lives today.  But also liberating, because we can now begin to choose what we will find when we lok at our life in the tomorows that lie unlived before us.

What will you see when you look at your life ten years from now?  What will you choose?

Life is choices.

Kelly goes on to say that sometimes we choose “the-best-version-of-ourselves,” and sometimes we choose “a-second-rate-version-of-ourselves.”

Everything is a choice, and our choices don’t just impact the moment we make the decision.  They echo throughout our lives – into history and on into eternity.

If you’re like me, by now you’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute – what about people who are disadvantaged, or who are victims of circumstance?”  Kelly has an answer:

Some may say that we do not choose our circumstances.  You’d be surprised.  We have much more power over the circumstances of our lives than most men and women would ever admit.  And even if circumstances are thrust upon us, we choose how we respond to those circumstances.

I think he’s right when he says this is life’s greatest truth and hardest lesson.  No matter your life’s circumstances — whether you’ve been hurt, you’re in debt, you’re broke, you’re unemployed, or you’re stuck in a job you hate — we must to accept that we have chosen to choose our choices (whether they’ve caused the situation we’re in, or have caused us to remain stuck there).

The day we do that is the day we cast off victimhood and are free to pursue the lives we were born to live.

Are you pursuing the life you were meant to live?  If not, what choices are holding you back?  Please share your comments below.

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A few years ago, one of my mentors introduced me to the idea of an annual life review and planning weekend.  It was something he did every year, both on his own and with his wife, because they wanted to be more intentional in how they lived their lives and raised their children.

Their goal is to assess their current life situation at least once a year, and determine what they wanted to focus on and achieve — in the next season, year, and 3-5 years — within each of the seven major areas of life:

1. Family
2. Career
3. Financial
4. Social
5. Health
6. Personal Development
7. Spiritual/Ethical

As a part of this process, they asked themselves several questions:

• What are our values (what things should be important to me) in this life area?
• How important are they currently?
• What is going well?
• What needs attention?
• What are our strengths in each area?
• What are our opportunities for growth (weaknesses)
• What limits should we place on this area, if any?
• What are our goals for this area in this next season of life?
• What are our goals for this area over the next 1-5 years?

My mentor led me through this process, along with a small group of other guys, a few years ago, and I could immediately see some benefits from the process:

• Helps you identify blind spots
• Fosters greater work-life balance because it impacts every area of life
• Allows you to benchmark and track your growth and success
• Reduces stress by helping you live on-purpose and not in crisis mode
• Improves family communication

If you’ve never done an annual review before, anytime is a good time to do it!  That being said, it seems like the month of January is a natural time for an annual life review.  It seems like that’s the time when most people take stock of certain aspects of their lives and think about making positive life change.

My wife and I just realized this is something we need to schedule before the month — and the year — gets away from us.

What about you?  Is this something you’ve done?  If so, how has it helped you?  Or is it something that you think would help you?  Please share your thoughts below.